FDNY's scheduled testing notification came in the mail yesterday, so I now finally know the date and time; which is on March 23rd lol and it'll leave me plenty of time for preparations.
School will be starting 01-30th till the end of May, and I haven't decided to be taking one or two classes as it'll affect my income.
If all is well after May, and FDNY still don't start for me as a career and etc, I'll be going to China for at least 3-6months and possibly for years.
I got a chance to make amends during New Yr, and my family seems very fond of the idea of me returning home to develop a future.
My sole concern are my parents here, who will also be retiring soon.
Mommy said she'll be fine and if anything she'd call me, or just she'll just go back to China to retire with Daddy.

I just still have a lot of concerns in the air that I don't feel at ease with how it's suppose to be resolved yet.
Everyone typically got only their parents to worry about their retirement and etc but I got 4 plus 2 of my Grandparents, because too many people took part in raising me.
They are my debt? lol
But I did make a huge confession about how I felt and I finally told a family member about me being in debt for a year, and I think she just felt sorry for me hearing it since I'm so damn stubborn lol.

I miss being in China, but I know I definitely don't want to miss the chance to be with family while they are still alive and I myself not dead yet neither.





Lastly,
I'm less angry about how I was treated and was made to feel.
But doesn't mean I want anything to do with him, even tho some part of me felt nice enough to offer answers to his questions for closure.
I am tempted to tell him of my uncertainty when the lasts of his money will be returned to him, since I still want "nothing" to do with him.


I still haven't decided on entering the government's SEAP program or not :-/ ..hhhmmm...... (Mom suggested to go and learn, no big deal but.... .... ... lol)
There's always the 529 option as well if I enroll in 12credits in school lol, which I technically only "need" one 3credit course// unless I want to keep taking classes just to bring up my GPA before taking the diploma and be out lol. I really do want to make sure Graduate school can be secured as an option, so lots to think about !!! @_@


Career, job, jobs.... all belonging to the same seed, sprouting from the same roots.... just ending in different places and some growing further than others. :: sighs ...::...

Just got an email letting me know that I should receive some info. in the mail about the FDNY exam on the 27th.
It's getting close... hope the test date is not too soon from the 27th, as I still have to get my driver's license and attempt to get some what fit lol.

It felt pretty light hearted today... less tense and full of anxiety.


Got one of the boots from Sears in the mail today ^.6, it's not only comfy...but OMG the bottom of the shoes has paw prints
Can't wait to walk it in the snow hahahhaa ^.^ it'll be my footprint, with paw prints in it teehehehee
And I got the gray colored one coming in the mail too, can't wait!

Wanna go to China before getting stuck in a long term job again, since I haven't been home for like 2-3yrs now :-/......
I miss all the leisure activities I get to lazy about on my daily runs...:: deep sighs..::...Not to mention New Yrs is coming....
I even thought it'd be kind of nice to surprise her in March for her birthday... tho I'm still mad at her. :-/...
Or just be home and not see her, just so she get the picture that I'm pissed....

Yes... very bipolar there...
But no pain no gain. She'll always feel I'll come back because of blood relations and not give it a second thought about all her blunders.
Fuck that! learn to apologize like an adult! and adhere to old age damnit!

I don't get older, so I can "forgive .. You."
I enjoy the aging process, because I'm gaining more capabilities to get the fuck away from you!

Miserable plague.

Went to the Labor Department Wednesday morning... spoke with a counselor (Frances), and she made me realize some things which I finally voiced...

Having Grandma go through her surgery and now still recovering... made me realize how little time I have left to produce things so I can give to her and my parents while they are still alive while I am too. The fear of losing her is becoming too real and too close to reality when I'm realizing her age more and more so as I tried to block it out. I'm no longer 8years old thinking about the day I'd lose her, I'm 24 now.

There's so many things I want to do for them and I'd like them to enjoy while they still can.
But just to realize I'm somehow less reliable than I was really hurts more than I can voice.

I was 14 years old and gave Grandma $700 for her 70th birthday from my first full time job during the summer.
I remember she was so proud and happy when I gave her that, when I went back to China.
And now 10years later,  I just bought her a pair of headphones and she suddenly wants to give me money for something so mundane and menial.
It pains me to know that she's worried about me and my income, even over just a pair of headphones that's less than twenty dollars.
I feel like such a failure at this age in my adulthood, in comparison to when I was 14.

None of my family even knows about my debt of over ten grand from the past year in change.
I, myself: knows... that I am more than capable than I was before.
But for them to not feel at ease... or just me not being able to put them at ease as of yet...
makes me a very inadequate adult at this age with my capabilities.


I told my Mom that I felt like a really bad investment that she has dedicated her life to, that can't even give her anything at this point in time.
And how badly I want to be able to fulfill her dream of traveling around the world and actually enjoying that with my Dad while she still can, before old age sets in fully.
But somehow I still can't and that I was sorry, REALLY sorry.

Even more so, are the family I have in China who raised me too.
There isn't enough time in a day for me to make money for them.

I need to reach higher, I have to be higher than this.
I have too many things that I want to do, need to do for them.

I never want to hear from my parents wanting to give me money back for something they ask me to buy for them, ever again.
I don't care what the reason may be.
This should be of no concern for them in any circumstances!




(I hate realizing this but... )

I've already followed his footsteps too much.... I don't want to be him, who neglects his family, yet gives everything he's got for those shitty ass people whom he called "friends".
They can all fucking go to hell!
I never want to ask for a single dime from my parents when they are retiring.
I need to be more capable.
I have to be!
Anything less is unacceptable!
I won't be able to live with myself if I turn out to be just like him.
I'd rather drop dead.

It mortifies me how much I'm like him, without much contact too....
I hate him. He ruined everything.





It's been a very exhausting journey, being in debt, being unemployed; on and off....for majority of the time.
Playing catch up.
Draining my life's energy till I collapsed... numerously.
And still don't have anything nor any one that I trust enough to fall back on, to shoulder my worries with me, or the unbelievable thought of shouldering it for me lol. (It's a pretty laughable thought.)

I'm at a point where I've withdrawn from majority of the people I know.
I don't trust them, I can't believe in their dependable suggestions... because they aren't accountable people for me.
Action out of kindness seems far fetched nowadays.
I feel stupid for having good faith, having hope, and housing doubt all at the same time during each disappointing encounters by their demonstrations.
But I get blamed for holding them at too high of a standard. lol
People just don't want to be held responsible for anything nowadays lol.
What can I expect from a bunch of lazy ass bums who are dying to hold onto their teenage years, so they keep re-living their youth in their supposed adulthood as they ruin the lives of their children and such.... :" scoffs ::..

It's silly to have faith.
But it's a rare opportunity to be that foolish.